Having Sex Outside a Primary Relationship
Q:
I was on a business trip to Florida and had sex with someone I met down there. Now I am back home and I am concerned that I may give my steady partner an STI. I want to protect my partner but I don't want to have to say I had sex with someone else because that would probably end our relationship. What should I do?
A:
The best way to protect your partner is to tell them about the sexual contact you had. It is possible that you could acquire a disease like genital warts from the other contact, have no symptoms yourself, but pass the STI on to your steady partner. If your partner is aware of the risk, they can make an informed decision about what risk they are willing to take.
There are some major problems if you do not tell your partner. You can have an STI but show no symptoms. Syphilis, herpes and human papillomavirus (genital warts) can be passed on even if you are using a condom through skin to skin contact. Also, tests do not detect the STIs right away. Syphilis for example can take up to 3 months to be detected. For a complete list see incubation periods. For some suggestions on how to discuss this with your partner go to - How to tell a partner you may have put them at risk.
Some people choose not to tell their partner as they do not wish to risk the relationship ending. They want to avoid confrontation. They usually try to reduce the risk of passing on any potential STIs. They avoid sex as much as possible and try to make sure condoms are used. They continue to worry that an STI diagnosis would reveal the fact that they had sex outside the primary relationship.
If you avoid telling your partner, you are playing the odds. You gamble that most likely a partner will not become infected as a result of sex outside of the primary relationship. If it turns out that they do not get an STI, the gamble appears to have paid off. If you do turn out to have an STI, however, the outcome is more stressful. It is even worse when a STI is passed on to a primary partner. The partner will not only feel hurt and angry about the infidelity, but will also feel betrayed and deceived because you have put their health at risk.
If you do not tell your partner, it might be helpful to see a counsellor to discuss the relationship. Having secrets in a relationship can create an emotional distance and interfere with intimacy and trust. For example, when your partner says how much they love you, you may recall having had sex with someone else and ask yourself: "If my partner knew what I had done, would they still feel this way?" Anytime your partner says anything positive about you, you may feel shame and guilt.
If you do tell your partner then it may also be useful to see a counsellor. Often when one partner has had sex outside the relationship, it is an indicator that there may be issues in the relationship that need to be worked out.
In terms of testing for STIs, you should test now and again at the end of the incubation periods. It helps to use condoms to reduce the risks of spreading many STIs. If you and your partner were not already using condoms, you may wish to introduce them now. Keep using them until the tests are finished. Partners may wish to test for their own peace of mind.
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